postheadericon Speaking Slutinese

One of the many things that perplex us about Tila is the fact she seems to speak a different language than the ‘jelis haters’. The Army of Morons and Halfwits seem to speak and understand her, but us jelis haters don’t
seem to have a grasp of the mother tongue.  So to speak, and realize that Tila’s native tongue, Slutinese, is actually not too difficult to learn when you’re acting a slut. So, here is a rudimentary Tila Slutinese Dictionary. This may help us make sense of the midget idjit mogul’s ramblings!  DISCLAIMERWe didn't feel the need to be alphabetic, slut's don't know their ABC's!

Mister Meanor: A charge (according to the Tila Army) that is filed in any court when a socialite/celebrity doesn't abide by the laws.

EM-bassador: Someone whose actions shame their culture and family.

Streams of Consciousness:  Tila's drug induced rants and shitty stories about how she had it soooo hard growing up and what a good, humble, angelic person she is.  Mentions child labor, gangs, rapes, abortions, mental illness, multiple personalities, fakes suicide attempts, and posting pictures of herself all in an attempt get someone to stay on her flog for more than 1 minute. 

Suicide: A pathetic attempt at garnering attention when your fail blog's hits are at an all time low. Oftentimes blamed on non-existent alternate personalities.

Cops (see also Fire Rescue, EMTs, and dispatchers) : People who Tila doesn't mind wasting time on her non-emergencies while they attempt to find her for a welfare check after faking a self-injury on twitter and her flog. These dedicated people worked 5 hours to find the Mogultard after her last failed publicity stunt, never giving up. These amazing people are to be commended for their dedication to the preservation of the life and welfare of every citizen, mentally certifiable or not.

Silence: The sound most often heard following a frantic Twitter rant including homophobic slurs right before Tila is confronted by the cops, fire rescue and EMTs. Can be indicative of a 5150/ mental evaluation at the local hospital. It is a pleasant sound.

Mogulicide: A lame attempt at explaining why one wasn't invited to a gifting suite, or to make a company feel bad for not inviting a ex reality star to an event where all other attendees would be actual stars and celebrities.

Tila Army: A group of young, uneducated, oftentimes foreign people who support Tila and believe her every lie. Although there are fewer and fewer members of this unarmed "army", the few members that do still exist refuse to acknowledge that their "leader" is in serious denial of her multitude of problems and were not at all concerned with getting her help during her latest "joke".  ALSO - A rogue’s gallery of mis-fits, teeny-boppers and perverted old men, who dismiss any evidence of Tila’s illegal activities and wrong-doings for the chance to someday design fashions, or work on her record label, or travel the world with her. Their motto is: why you be hatin’ on Tila you is all pethedic and jelis and you don’t have a life.

Mansion: 968 square foot, 2 bedroom, 2 lounge (one upstairs, one downstairs), two kitchen (one upstairs, one downstairs),  one bath apartment with cheap vertical blinds. Sleeps 37,984 bed bugs.

Custom Designed:  A dress/item picked up from the Reject Rack and altered (or not) for Tila for Red Carpet and/or Astro Turf events.

CHAIRity:  Collecting money illegally for a fake cause because you’re so damn broke you can’t even afford a 13Head, you had to go for the more compact 9Head model.

EXCLUSIVE!!!:  The first mogul to copy and paste content in its entirety from a legit or even non-legit news source.

Jelis Hater:  A well-informed person with a grasp of critical thinking skills and a sense of moral outrage.

Kardashian Sisters:  Three sisters who are known for little more than their reality show, but who manage to be mega famous and extraordinarily successful in their individual endeavors.

MisCHAIRage:  A bi-annual event where you milk a fake pregnancy for as many months as you think you can get away with, only for it to end in a bloodless, painless tragedy that clears up faster than a zit on your ass cheek.

Mogul:  A person who promises many things, and delivers none (see poser, faker, liar, jelis bitch).

Piggy Perez:  One of the most successful celebrity gossip bloggers. Still not “dethrowned”.

POW:  An exclamation ending every inane thought that emanates from Tila’s pointy noggin.

Rape:  A fun activity to do to your partner while he sleeps.

SLANDER:  When you say mean things about Tila.
Blogging:  When Tila says mean things about you.

Exclusive:  (Not to be confused with "EXCLUSIVE!!!")  Some information from a month ago that everyone already knows, but with Tila's added bad grammar.

Lesbian Something Tila decided to be for a payday, but sadly her payday passed away before the payout happened.

Boo Something you call a stranger you meet in a supermarket, have sex with, call your husband, then strike in the face. 

Candid Photos A series of provocative staged photographs taken in an Ambien stupor.

Lindsay Lohan:  Prospective meal ticket.

Going INNNNN:  Making yourself look a damn fool on the interwebs while slandering someone who is more successful.

Jayden:  Name given to a nonexistent fetus whose nonexistence was brought to an untimely end by a hammer wielding gangsta. *See Chunks

Chunks:  Descriptive term used to garner sympathy for a misCHAIRage of a nonexistent fetus. *See misCHIARage  *See Jayden

Lawsuit:  Something Tila will threaten any and everyone with if they don't bend over and kiss her pimpled ass and agree with her. Oftentimes applied to people Tila is jealous of or who have pissed her off by being honest and truthful.

Lawyers, to which she has:  Imaginary people conjured up when no other defense is available. Meant to scare the "jelis haterzzzz" into hiding.

Truth:  Anything Tila's meth infested head imagines and writes on twitter, facebook, and any other media outlet that Crab Crotch has gotten access to.

Super-Dope-Red-Carpet Outfit:  The remnants of random scraps of fabric, leather straps, and dead birds that one usually finds themselves wearing after another good roll in the dumpster after giving a handy j to a homeless man.

Wifey and/or Hubby:  Any random person, found in either a dumpster, grocery store, or laundromat who spends more than 5 minutes with Tila and either takes photos with or goes live on Ustream to help Tila expose her googly nips to minors. Such person is always left much poorer than they were, and are usually confused about the seemingly endless verbal assault Tila heaps onto them after they discover she's broke/ugly/a crackhead/ insane beyond hope.

Miscarriage:  Something caused by both a need to eliminate another fake pregnancy and dangerous chairs. Can also be caused by dents in one's head.

Pregnancy:  Something not be cherished and enjoyed privately, but to be massively exploited on multiple media outlets in order to gain attention.

Baby, (see also Adopted or Biological):  An imaginary being, never to be seen or actually cared for. Used by Tila in a desperate bid to either cover up a lie about donating her garbage sales to charity or to be used to teach the mean paparazzi people that their wicked, truth telling ways kill orphans. Tila especially loves gallons of babies, because gallons has now become the newest, most correct measurement of a non-liquid human being.

Tweet:  The most efficient way to simultaneously insult millions and provide entertainment for dirty old men and underage teens and children.

Think we need to add a Hogul Slutinese Term?!?! Email Us!