Soooo...today (or maybe it was last night.  I don't give a fuck) Tila posted in her Dear Diary section about how OMG AWESOME it is to be a gossip blogger.  And about how she's not jealous of the people she talks about (hahahahaha no really, she said that).  And about how she's actually friends with lots of the people she talks about.  Wanna read it?  Here you go:



Way to reuse that I <3 a Hater image.  But seriously, Tila, for fuck's sake.  Listen, sweetie.  That code you use on your website?  Yeah, it's not a secret.  ANYBODY CAN VIEW IT.  And anybody can see that you use THE FREE site meter to track your hits.

So you don't want us to use Alexa now?  Because you did earlier...


So now suddenly that's not okay?  Okay Tila, Uncle Eddie will play your little crackhead game.  Let's use what you use!  Anybody is welcome to go here and view these results, but I'll cap them and post them here just to make it easy for everybody.  In case that link doesn't take you to the graph, you have to click "previous 7 days" under "visits" on the left side.


Cute how it doesn't even COME CLOSE to a million, isn't it?  Oh wait, what did she say?  That we're just haters and obsessed?  So does "haters" mean "one able to look at graphs and perform simple addition?"  I guess we better add that to the Slutinese dictionary.  We're acting High School?  No, sweetie, it's just that we can perform High School level math.  That's all.


Here it is, as an amusing De-motivational Poster made by @MissTilaOMG on twitter.

Oh and how about Dethroning Perez?  Here it is, again via Sitemeter:


Oh wow, so he's #1 huh?  Ouch.  Tila isn't even top 20.

And just for fun, let's laugh at Tila's math skills:


See?  2+2 = 80.  There's your proof right there.  And let me tell you something.  Uncle Eddie sucks ass at math.  SUCKS ASS.  But even I can tell you what 10% of something is.  That's probably the easiest percentage to figure out.  Goddamn.  When Uncle Eddie can school you at math, there's a problem.

Goddammit Tila, you suck.  You really, really suck.  AT EVERYTHING.  Every single thing you set you mind to turns to shit.  BECAUSE YOU SUCK.

Maybe if you weren't so busy trying to fuck your teachers in high school you'd know how to do basic math?  And really, aren't Asians supposed to be good at math?  YOU'RE LETTING YOUR PEOPLE DOWN, TILA.

Update 

Tila responds to this post:



LOL.  Use any excuse you want, Tila, but you haven't even come close to dethroning Perez or ANYBODY ELSE.  You're a fucking joke and you know it.  And you're right, I'm just jealous.  So very, very jealous.  (hint: that's sarcasm, dumbass)

Don't you have another pathetic letter to write to Lindsay Lohan now?  I'm sure she'll take time out of her schedule at Cannes, her court appointed classes, and movie filming to read it, just like she did the last one.  OH THAT'S RIGHT, SHE IGNORED YOUR ASS.  Just like most of Hollywood does, unless they're making fun of you.

Usually I wouldn't care much about any of the Perez bullshit.  Although I don't hate him I don't really care either way.  However, I am VERY excited to bring to Tila's your attention that Perez has been offered $20 million for his celebrity gossip site.  Really looks like the hogul is "powing" her way into getting owned, doesn't it?  I mean let's take a look at what Tila's site is worth shall we?

Da na na na na na na na
Da na na na na na na na
CRACK RANTS!
You see?  It's like Batman, only it's TILA!  God, I'm witty.

So anyway, Uncle Eddie went to see Iron Man 2 tonight, and suddenly I feel my phone going freaking NUTS in my pocket.  I couldn't help it, I had to check (it's a dick move people, don't turn on your cell phones during a movie unless you're slick about it) and my girl Daria was BLOWING MY SHIT UP telling me that Tila was going on a crack rant!  And even though Uncle Eddie needs to rest his eyes, he had to tell you.  In case you missed it.

Let's start at the beginning.  @Antifakebitch over on twitter found this tweet made by my full retard (or "full retahhhhh" as he calls it) buddy, @ProphecyHipHop.  This guy seriously might be the biggest douchebag on the planet, no joke.  Anyway, a few days ago he tweeted this:


Prophecy, aka Garry Sun, will make you roll your eyes so hard your brain will bleed.  He makes all new age thought painful and ridiculous.  Anyway, he's the same guy that took all those ultra-classy and glamorous (read: mogulicious) pictures of Tila shopping at Ralph's in her lingerie.

Anyway, so fast forward to tonight.  Here it comes, people, get ready for it!


Okay, that's normal enough, right?  I mean, I've never seen that movie because it just LOOKS sad, and I don't feel like making myself cry.  But oh, Tila isn't going to let us down.  Just when you think shit is normal POW! (lol)...


LOL!!  Oh I hope WE are the bad people she's talking about!  Oh I hope I hope I hope!  Oh Tila, that would just make my day!  And I know TRS and Gnome would just pee their pants with joy!

So let me tell you, you don't even know how many messages I got by excited people thinking she was going to start talking about suicide again.  And that got Uncle Eddie's hopes up.  But don't get discouraged guys.  Maybe she's got like, some fatal illness that nobody knows about...

And on that note, Uncle Eddie is going to catch some Z's!

Oh wait, no, let me show you this real quick.


Eh oh FUCKING el.  Obviously Tila's gossip blog is the numba one gossip blog IN THA WORLD OMGZ LOLZ.  That's from today (well I guess technically yesterday, but I haven't gone to sleep yet), May 6th, 2010.

Good night, bitches!

Yes, Tila wants you to believe that she lives the life of a mogul. I don't know which mogul exactly, because she does shit like this:



 And of course

Ugh, sick. I don't know about you guys, but that fucking hotdog picture is now my favorite picture of Tila EVER, even though it makes Uncle Eddie's gigantic phallus shrivel up and die. Hey, if The Gnome can have a giant cock, so can I!

Anyway, since her "Party with my Syphilis" tour is now over, we see what the daily life of a mogul...no, fuck that, HOGUL...is really like.

Spiked Tequila gave us a great write-up of Tila trying to get attention from Perez Hilton today, during his twitter feud with Mr. Flesh Colored Beard himself, Spencer Pratt. You can read it here. In short, Tila can't stand that Perez won't give her the time of day, even though she tries so hard to get his attention. Personally I love it. She tries so hard, look:


LOL. I hate to break it to you sweets, but he's not going to respond. He couldn't give less of a fuck about you because you are nothing. You are shit to him. He's not afraid of you, HE JUST DOESN'T GIVE A FUX. LOL see what I did there? Also, the media outlets are saying that about your blog dethroning his because THEY'RE QUOTING YOUR FUCKING DUMB ASS IN THE INTERVIEW YOU GAVE. Jesus fucking Christ Tila, you can't possibly be this stupid, can you?

And just for kicks, let's look at a recent picture of Perez.


Why the fuck does she still call him Piggy Perez? He's obviously lost a lot of weight and looks fucking awesome. Look at him, Tila, you gonna say he's copying your "trademark" blowing a kiss pose? Ooh and he's with Lindsay Lohan - she went to his birthday party! Did she ever go to yours? No? But you tweet her so often! Just because she NEVER EVER responds...I mean...I thought you guys were friends! (LOL no I didn't. You're fucking pathetic, Tila.)

So anyway, a little later Tila can't get off this Perez kick she's on. She tells her Tila Army to vote in this poll:


And you can see her Army runs to it in DROVES. FUCKING DROVES I TELL YOU.

Wanna see how it turned out?


Note: you can STILL go vote on this poll. But oh, poor Tila. Even your army couldn't help you win this one.

And then, my personal favorite, she starts telling us all about Alexa searches.


I did one of my own - I compared Tila's new yet-to-be-launched gossip blog to Perezhilton.com. Here's what I got:


LOL you can hardly even see Tila's gossip blog WAY down there at the bottom! The stats on the right, like where it says "up 70%" are the stats for Tila's gossip blog. Yes, in the past month, when you've been out spouting your meth-crazy word vomit all over the place, the hits for your blog have gone up 70%. Too bad they're going and seeing that it's not launched yet. But you still see how the numbers are REALLY REALLY LOW? Does that show you how successful your PR pantyshot tour was?

And you better believe if the gossip blog actually ever launches we'll be keeping an eye on it, just to see if you ever really do beat Perez. (Hint: DOUBTFUL)

And thus, kiddies, is the real life day of a hogul. Everybody golf clap for Tila!