Let's start with my current giggle topic--

For at least 8 months she's been blathering about setting up a merch account, either at her Hotspot or now, her Flog. Oh, there'll be posters and autographs and limited edition Skank-rabilia. It ain't hard to set up a merch account on a blog. There are tons and tons of programs out there that can be tailored to your needs within minutes. E-commerce is big and believe me, it's been dummied down enough so even a barely functional retarded monkey like Tila can set it up. Oh, but Fatty, you moronic HoHo-eating platypus... she needs posters printed and that takes time.... Um, no. I work in marketing. I work closely with many printers, and their turn-around on thousands of full-color posters of an STD-riddled has-been fame whore can be as little as 24 hours. Other merch, like cups, tshirts, mouse pads, can be had within a few days.

So, why no Tila merch? One would think she wants to monetize her image. I mean it's been proven she'll sell out in a heartbeat for any dollar that presents itself, sucky-sucky or not. Well, dear little pointy-headed friends, I've been thinking the same thing. Perhaps the 'merch' isn't going to be the relatively squeaky clean images she claims. Perhaps, this is all build-up to her alleged porn movie coming out, and the posters won't be her famous Cowardly Lyin' pose, but more likely her rancid twat hanging open like the curtains at Ford's Theater.

You see my cute little morons and idjits, y'all aren't fans or army or family. You're potential customers. Legally, many of you can't be her potential customers because of your age, but that doesn't bother Tila. She always finds a way around that sticky wicket. Oh, she'll make a smidgen of an effort to put up a disclaimer that you have to be 18 to shop in her store, but will she have any checks and balances in place? No. So, little Tommy, you better start saving your allowance, in just a few short months you can shock your parents and sully your good name with your own life-size, high-res poster of Tila's mud flaps. Penicillin not included.

Ugh. A little Tila-ism that makes me cringe every time I read it. This one came out of left field. Within days of Tila talking about getting a car, she manages to short-term lease a Lamborghini. Of course, she tells you that she was 'approved' to pay $250,000 cash for it, but we all knew it would be a lease, and it appears several readers have confirmed it is.

Oh and her "new" Lambo, is not so new. It's a 2009, which in the world of cars makes it almost 2 years old, as new cars are typically released from September to December of the year before their model year. 

So why the Lambo, and why now, and why baby blue, which is a pretty color in small doses, but on that car, just screams move-out-the-way-entitled-trash-coming-through. I think that car was leased for the benefit of us Jelis Haters!! Yeah. She wanted to shut us up and in typical impulsive Tila fashion, she got the idea and ran with it. 

But, but Fatty, Tila said us Tila Army can visit her and drive it and everything...and as soon as I get my license I'm going to run-away to Stupido City and hunt down the most run-down tenement apartments and find that blue Lambo sitting out front with its tires slashed and FUCK YOU TILA in orange spray paint and then Tila will come out and smile for me and hug me and tell me she's my mommy and she'll let me drive that pretty little car. I just know its true! Um. No. Tila ain't letting your jelly-stained fingers anywhere near that car. Her insurance premiums are high enough with her as the sole driver. Plus, unless you've got cash money in hand, she's giving nothing away. Remember the infamous Garbage Sale where you were all invited to paw through her crusty panties and promised free $10 autographed photos?

The thing that really irks me about that car, is the gas mileage. It's 12/13 mpg in the city, up to 18 on the highway. With her highway speeding, it's considerably less. Why waste all that fucking gas? It's not a fucking touring car, therefore a 400 mile round-trip drive is just plain stupid and wasteful.

I hope that Lambo dealership has plenty of flea spray and penicillin wipes to clean that thing when she returns it.

Arm Meet is a topic close to my blackened, wizened little heart. You see, Arm Meet is Tila, and Tila is Arm Meet. Arm Meet started with Jane attacking Tila "all over her body" with a sharp object. Of course, we never see any injuries, except to her left arm. Tila quaked in fear in her toilet as she related the harrowing account. She videotaped the carnage...the messy room, the Cheerios box discarded in the corner like a petulant child, the broken lamp, the bloodied scratches on her left arm. Oh it was horrible. You Army members have to remember that day, so many of you were worried sick as you tweeted each other, seeking comfort in this horrible time.

Then Tila rose from the ashes of her tattered condomansionium like a methed-out phoenix , and proclaimed you all idiots for not appreciating her performance piece. As I recall, she likened it to a Lady Gaga performance, complete with pictures of Gaga in full bloody regalia. Oh, and she threatened to sue all who called the authorities on her behalf. We'd all be in Jelis Hater Jail braiding each others hair in exchange for Cup O' Soup, she said. Oh, and then she was allegedly carted away on a 5150.

But a few weeks went by, and Tila was having a pity-party and you were all invited, but no one showed up, so she changed the story around so that now she could admit she was suicidal and really, it was the jelis haters and the media who drove her in that direction. So all you Army members tut-tutted, and fussed with her hair, and patted her back and glared in the direction of us Jelis Haters, vowing to Tila you had her back and would wipe the smirks from our chubby little faces.

Then the story changes again...sigh... You see, it wasn't Jane attacking Tila. It wasn't Tila attempting suicide. No, it was a former Tila staff member who evilly attacked her with a piece of broken hooker lamp. Of course, he only scratched up her left arm (hmmmm, isn't Tila right handed, so it would make sense that she would be able to scratch her left arm easily, but not her right?...oh wait, I ask this logical question of the wrong crowd. Carry on.) This man is so evil, that not only did he attack her left arm with superficial scratches, he terrorized the rest of Tila's 30-person (personality) staff to the point they were in fear for their lives and their arm meet. And all this time she's been talking the Tila-staff up, as family and the best ever people to work with, and all that happy horseshit. She must have a really fucked up family if attacking innocent arm meet is the norm.

Tila is now claiming this 4-day, 3-venue event was a big tour, not only that it was a "long" tour. In her recent tweets she claims that after coming off this long European tour, she needs a vaccination, I mean vacation (well, actually, probably both). Long tour? A long tour is several months traveling from city to city, even country to country. It is not walking across the street to the next dive bar.

Second, happy anniversary to the Rotspot!! Who knew Tila would still be lying and skanking around 6 months later? Oh, wait, we all did. Never mind.

Third, I just can't get over how stupid the Mogul is. If she's not making a story about her, then she's skewing it all out of proportion. Take the story hitting the airwaves of the French police breaking up an illegal demonstration by dragging pregnant women, mothers and their children. I've heard the same news stories regarding this incident as all of you. From what little I've seen of the youtube video, it's not quite up to Rodney King standards of beat downs, but certainly could have been handled more humanely. I've read that mothers were using their children as shields to gain sympathy for their cause. That, I don't know. See the video below.