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Saturday, August 7

postheadericon Dear Tila Army. Part 1


I'm taking it upon myself to educate you about your beloved Miss Tila. Please note that this is the first and last time I refer to her by that title. She is not "Miss" Tila. She is Tila Tequila: low-life, hooker-tramp personified. "Miss" is a charming southern tradition showing respect for a female. I am neither charmed by Tila, nor do I respect her. But I wonder why you do?

Let's start with my current giggle topic--

Tila Merch

For at least 8 months she's been blathering about setting up a merch account, either at her Hotspot or now, her Flog. Oh, there'll be posters and autographs and limited edition Skank-rabilia. It ain't hard to set up a merch account on a blog. There are tons and tons of programs out there that can be tailored to your needs within minutes. E-commerce is big and believe me, it's been dummied down enough so even a barely functional retarded monkey like Tila can set it up. Oh, but Fatty, you moronic HoHo-eating platypus... she needs posters printed and that takes time.... Um, no. I work in marketing. I work closely with many printers, and their turn-around on thousands of full-color posters of an STD-riddled has-been fame whore can be as little as 24 hours. Other merch, like cups, tshirts, mouse pads, can be had within a few days.

So, why no Tila merch? One would think she wants to monetize her image. I mean it's been proven she'll sell out in a heartbeat for any dollar that presents itself, sucky-sucky or not. Well, dear little pointy-headed friends, I've been thinking the same thing. Perhaps the 'merch' isn't going to be the relatively squeaky clean images she claims. Perhaps, this is all build-up to her alleged porn movie coming out, and the posters won't be her famous Cowardly Lyin' pose, but more likely her rancid twat hanging open like the curtains at Ford's Theater.

You see my cute little morons and idjits, y'all aren't fans or army or family. You're potential customers. Legally, many of you can't be her potential customers because of your age, but that doesn't bother Tila. She always finds a way around that sticky wicket. Oh, she'll make a smidgen of an effort to put up a disclaimer that you have to be 18 to shop in her store, but will she have any checks and balances in place? No. So, little Tommy, you better start saving your allowance, in just a few short months you can shock your parents and sully your good name with your own life-size, high-res poster of Tila's mud flaps. Penicillin not included.

The "Lambo"

Ugh. A little Tila-ism that makes me cringe every time I read it. This one came out of left field. Within days of Tila talking about getting a car, she manages to short-term lease a Lamborghini. Of course, she tells you that she was 'approved' to pay $250,000 cash for it, but we all knew it would be a lease, and it appears several readers have confirmed it is.

Oh and her "new" Lambo, is not so new. It's a 2009, which in the world of cars makes it almost 2 years old, as new cars are typically released from September to December of the year before their model year. 

So why the Lambo, and why now, and why baby blue, which is a pretty color in small doses, but on that car, just screams move-out-the-way-entitled-trash-coming-through. I think that car was leased for the benefit of us Jelis Haters!! Yeah. She wanted to shut us up and in typical impulsive Tila fashion, she got the idea and ran with it. 

But, but Fatty, Tila said us Tila Army can visit her and drive it and everything...and as soon as I get my license I'm going to run-away to Stupido City and hunt down the most run-down tenement apartments and find that blue Lambo sitting out front with its tires slashed and FUCK YOU TILA in orange spray paint and then Tila will come out and smile for me and hug me and tell me she's my mommy and she'll let me drive that pretty little car. I just know its true! Um. No. Tila ain't letting your jelly-stained fingers anywhere near that car. Her insurance premiums are high enough with her as the sole driver. Plus, unless you've got cash money in hand, she's giving nothing away. Remember the infamous Garbage Sale where you were all invited to paw through her crusty panties and promised free $10 autographed photos?

The thing that really irks me about that car, is the gas mileage. It's 12/13 mpg in the city, up to 18 on the highway. With her highway speeding, it's considerably less. Why waste all that fucking gas? It's not a fucking touring car, therefore a 400 mile round-trip drive is just plain stupid and wasteful.

I hope that Lambo dealership has plenty of flea spray and penicillin wipes to clean that thing when she returns it.

Arm Meet

Arm Meet is a topic close to my blackened, wizened little heart. You see, Arm Meet is Tila, and Tila is Arm Meet. Arm Meet started with Jane attacking Tila "all over her body" with a sharp object. Of course, we never see any injuries, except to her left arm. Tila quaked in fear in her toilet as she related the harrowing account. She videotaped the carnage...the messy room, the Cheerios box discarded in the corner like a petulant child, the broken lamp, the bloodied scratches on her left arm. Oh it was horrible. You Army members have to remember that day, so many of you were worried sick as you tweeted each other, seeking comfort in this horrible time.

Then Tila rose from the ashes of her tattered condomansionium like a methed-out phoenix , and proclaimed you all idiots for not appreciating her performance piece. As I recall, she likened it to a Lady Gaga performance, complete with pictures of Gaga in full bloody regalia. Oh, and she threatened to sue all who called the authorities on her behalf. We'd all be in Jelis Hater Jail braiding each others hair in exchange for Cup O' Soup, she said. Oh, and then she was allegedly carted away on a 5150.

But a few weeks went by, and Tila was having a pity-party and you were all invited, but no one showed up, so she changed the story around so that now she could admit she was suicidal and really, it was the jelis haters and the media who drove her in that direction. So all you Army members tut-tutted, and fussed with her hair, and patted her back and glared in the direction of us Jelis Haters, vowing to Tila you had her back and would wipe the smirks from our chubby little faces.

Then the story changes again...sigh... You see, it wasn't Jane attacking Tila. It wasn't Tila attempting suicide. No, it was a former Tila staff member who evilly attacked her with a piece of broken hooker lamp. Of course, he only scratched up her left arm (hmmmm, isn't Tila right handed, so it would make sense that she would be able to scratch her left arm easily, but not her right?...oh wait, I ask this logical question of the wrong crowd. Carry on.) This man is so evil, that not only did he attack her left arm with superficial scratches, he terrorized the rest of Tila's 30-person (personality) staff to the point they were in fear for their lives and their arm meet. And all this time she's been talking the Tila-staff up, as family and the best ever people to work with, and all that happy horseshit. She must have a really fucked up family if attacking innocent arm meet is the norm.

UK Neighborhood Tour

Tila is now claiming this 4-day, 3-venue event was a big tour, not only that it was a "long" tour. In her recent tweets she claims that after coming off this long European tour, she needs a vaccination, I mean vacation (well, actually, probably both). Long tour? A long tour is several months traveling from city to city, even country to country. It is not walking across the street to the next dive bar.

Of course, this vacation was supposed to be a girls weekend because Tila's poor Swedish friend was overcome with grief over her boyfriend's infidelity...funny all we've seen is Bradshaw. Is it possible he's a Swedish girl in drag and an enormous forehead?


Rob Johnson

Back in April Tila claimed to have signed this former New Zealand Idol contestant. She promised him over-nite fame, fortune, and all that STD's he could possibly want. His big launch was supposed to be this summer. Well it's the end of the first week of August, and other than a brief mention last week by Tila, we haven't seen hide nor hair of this poor sap.

Tila claims she's wanted to get all her own tours out of the way so she could better concentrate on Rob's career. Wow. Putting your needs before the needs of your client. Who does that? Imagine all you Army members who sent in clips of your music, if you were signed, you'd be waiting in line forever because Tila can only manage one person at a time at her 30-person staffed record label.

And what tours did Tila have? In April she polluted New York with her presence for a week, and last month she set England back to bubonic plague times for 4 days. You can't make all a young man's dreams come true because you take 11 days for yourself in 4 months?

Tila assures us that she'll be blowing up poor Rob by the end of the month. Hope his career can wait.

Oh, and even though he's signed to her label, she now claims, she's only the investor. She's paying for all his PR, and he's raking in all the profits. She not charging him a penny. Riiiiiiiiiight. Let's see how that one plays out.

The Men In Tila's Life

Shawn Merriman
The bodyguards from the security agency
RazB
The Game
Casa
Garry Sun

What do all these guys have in common? Well, lets see. Merriman was accused of attacking and choking Tila last year, but we only saw bruises on her arms, where one would expect to see similar bruises on her neck if she was indeed chocked by a man who weighs twice as much as she does. Her subsequent lawsuit was dismissed because the judge didn't believe her. Probably the only woman in recent history whose story of abuse wasn't believed by a judge in CALI-FUCKING-FORNIA, you know the state that would love nothing better than to throw away the key on a woman-beater!

The bodyguards were accused of sexually inappropriate behavior, though they claim Tila was shaking and shimmying her ass all over the house.

RazB was the first to be signed to Tila's non-existent record label, but she accused him of releasing a song, or some such nonsense without her permission.

The Game was one of a long-line of baby-daddys of  Tila's much heralded heavy menstrual period, I mean pregnancy, I mean mis-chairage. She accused him of being a dead-beat dad, and had quite the field day with the story for a while until Game claimed he had never even met the bitch.

Casa was the poor fool who was somehow attracted to Tila's skankilicious body in the local Ralphs at midnight in the produce aisle. He lasted less than a week as Tila's boytoy/fiance, until he was accused of raping her and slapped in the airport on the way to New York.

Garry Sun is the poor schmoe currently responsible for Arm Meet-gate. He has also been accused of sexually harassing Tila and being violent to her staff. He's in a world of hurt right now because he thought he and Tila were besties. He thought wrong and now his reputation is paying the price.

Bradshaw, now is the time to run dude! I know its hard running into the wind with that massive forehead acting as a windbreak, but you can do it man!

So, Tila Army, with these several examples, I think I've painted a pretty vivid picture. Now can you tell me why Tila is deserving of your respect and admiration?

30 comments:

tillie said...

Oh Miss Fatty, I ruff ya. What a great way to start a hungover Saturday with these major lols. You nailed it! I may need a Bloody Mary now with my uncontrollable laughter. My better half thinks me is still goin from last night! I have a case of hohos just for you!

Dee said...

Be-9head-dazzle needs to TURN AGAINST the wind and use that massive frontal bone as a sail :)

California Dreamin' said...

Great post! I noticed the twatwaffle was tweeting about dying from alcohol poisoning. There is just no end to her stories and lies. And she is on this marriage kick again...BORING

jayden said...

Oh fatty, there are no words. I love you from the bottom of my hoho clogged heart. xxxooo

Vintage Pink said...

This is a delightful "catching up with the hogul" post. I had forgotten some of the events mentioned, as there are so many that come down the stupidity pipeline.
I am dying to see what the angle is on this "Bradshaw forcing me liquor" /passing out situation.
It is bound to be a hilarious shit storm of lies and stupidity.
I have come to expect nothing less!!!

Agnes Agony said...

Another well done post, Fatty.

I wonder what her stipulations are on her lease agreement? A friend back home was bitching about how tight his allotment list is. One of the stipulations was that he has a certain max mileage allowance under his lease. Any overages will be charged upon the contract expiration.

The dealership will also charge additional fees for what they deem as excessive wear and tear.

Tila has no concept of respect. She treats her material possessions just like she treats human beings. Cast aside without a care like the next day's garbage once she's sapped everything she could out of it or them.

She's a truly lost individual. She's trying to reach out with her cries of desperation from human acceptance and validation that she will do and say just about anything to get that attention she so desperately craves.

Is that what happens as a middle child? (I'm an only and erm... I had my fair share of that bratty attitude, although I grew out of that behaviour by the time I started high school).

Alabama Worley said...

I have to say FIRST (never got to say that before) & this is a-maz-ING. You did forget one guy the Leo Madrid. And thank you for answering the question about Rob because I don't follow her and I forgot what his name on twatter was.

Oh the carnage. When I read that line I seriously could only hear Wayne Gale (aka Rob Downey Jr) saying the word; which just made this all the more amusing.

SammiDe said...

LMFAO, very good post Fatty!

The Colleen Machine said...

My love for you and this blog grows deeper every day. Keep up the good work!!

Joann said...

Fantastic job trying to get her Army of nitwits to see how this skank is using them and don't really care about them but it's all in vain Fatty.

They have proof of the skanks lies and underhanded behavior and sill won't or don't want to believe she's evil through and through.

I don't feel sorry for the dimwits anymore. As my granny would say..."they don't believe fat meat is greasy".

Some people have to learn the hard way so let them go down in flames just like their bobble head egotistical skank leader is getting ready to do.

Tila she can smell a fool a mile away and will get inside their heads and use him/her/them without any shame until she can't use them anymore and after she's finished she'll make them think it's their fault things went wrong.

The same as she does with anything else in her life that not going right for her.

She had that Casa dude so scared poor thing was crying on Facebook for someone to help make Tila leave him alone...I was LMAO.

If any one of those saps in that Army ever thinks of leaving home because they are unhappy with their home life and come out here to LA, find Tila and believe Tila will take them in or let them drive her car(or as she called it the Army's car) and hang out with her, they are sadly mistaken. That will never happen.

First of all, she'll make sure you never find out where she stays cause like Fatty said "she's giving nothing away".

Now, if you happen to luck up and find out where she lives you best be believing you will be working your ass off for her and don't even think about getting monetary payment. That out. You'll be doing everything for free.

If any of you are stupid enough to accept a life like that just because you will be around Tila then welcome to Hollywood. Don't say we didn't warn you.

I am still waiting for Gary Sun to do what he said he as going to do. No other comments from me until then.

I doubt if Bradshaw will book. He seems to like the way Tila treats him and acts just as ridiculous as she does.

Did any of you guys catch them on her tweeter last night?

Tila was tweeting Mr. Bradshaw MADE her drink a lot of vodka and she was getting sick with alcohol posioning and might die and Mr. Bradshaw was saying he would handle it but she was sleeping now and he was feeding her water(WHAT THE HELL).

Stupid bullshit and the people were eating it up. "oh please call 911 she could die"..."keep the army updated on her condition"..."don't let anything happen to Tila". I was cracking up at this foolishiness.

Tila and Mr. Bradshaw were probably high on meth or something and messing with the heads of the people on her twitter. I bet they were laughing their asses off at some of the responses last night and how easily it was to manipulate those poor saps.

Misty said...

Great Post Fatty!!! I always love a good recap and reminder - sometimes it just hurts by brain to try to keep up.

I had a thought, this post reminded me of it - remember when the whore goblin and Raz2Bk got into "the fight" cause she said he leaked her music - bunch of harsh tweets for about an hour or so & whore goblin writes some blog about "how she is wronged, after all she did for him". (I know, boo fucking hoo!)

Doesn't the Garry Sun shenanigans seem familiar? I mean I think he leaked the porn info. Harsh tweets, unreadable blog entry - bunch of tweets from Garry looking for some love. But, now what, everything has just died down and ther is no further mention. The whore goblin got a good number of article (although, the articles themselves, well not so good, pretty much calling her the whore that she is)

I just feel like something is fishy (and I know it is not the odor eminating from her stank hole). And now this recent alcohol poisoning with Bradshaw - how long before she accuses him of doing something to her when she was passed out. I know 9head is gay (flaming gay), but knowing the narcissism that is the whore goblin's mind, she probably believes she could turn him. Nothing like a summer Crab Feast!! (Ew, I grossed myself out again)

MsWonkyTits said...

Oh Fatty you make me giggle with glee!

Anna said...

You think this whole thing with Garry is legit? It does seem odd that it all suddenly just died down with nary a peep. What are the chances of Garry actually contacting a lawyer and sending HER a C&D?

I hate to have to second guess it all but it wouldn't be the first time (that I know of) nor would it be out of the question.

And did you see the comments in Spiked Tequila about the whole Lambo incident the other night? Apparently someone got a response back from the SBPD saying they followed standard procedure and did nothing wrong. HUH???

Joann said...

Mr. Bradshaw is suppose to be back in LA and Tila's nitwit Army are wondering where Tila is and how could Mr. Bradshaw just leave her like that since she was so sick last night.

The skank was never sick or near death...probably hung over from a drug binge.

She's probably finishing up her porn movie or finishing up with the last of the dudes she had to service over the weekend.

I have never seen a bunch of people as gullible as her Army. They are pitiful guys, just pitiful.

Ben said...

Don't forget that Tila first said she drank 3 shots, then thought "I know what will sound cooler" and said "no I drank half the bottle straight from it"

Glad some of the Army are seeing the light.

Seagal said...

SO where are all the Tila Army members? Shouldn't they be coming to her defense? I mean there are thousands of them that love love love her so much you'd think they would be all over this post..LMAO Come on kids defend your hogul queen.

I was the one that got that pathetic response from the SBPD traffic division. Lame Lame Lame

And Fatty...Awesome post :)

Seagal said...

OOPS..I spoke too soon. The email I received from the SBPD hasn't been posted yet and it was, if I remember correctly, that I posted it on Tila Truth. SORRY :(

Joann said...

Skank must still be high off her drugs.

She wrote this as a comment on her piece of crap blog:
"yes I'm a hooker, prostitute, whore, liar, attention whore...... anything you say...... but I hold in the palm of my hands truth that you will never understad. You're just another slave to this made up "world" and a prison you call SOCIETY" to which it does no exist, and since this is MY WORLD, you don't exist to me........therefore you are not here."

Skank we all know you're a hooker, prostitute and all those other things you said about yourself, so nothing new there... but if this is YOUR WORLD and we don't exist to you and are not here...why post this bullshit at all. According to you no one is here to read it anyway. SMH at your stupidity.

Vintage Pink said...

I am guessing you now have enough new Tila material for part #2.
She is the gift that keeps on giving.

Joy said...

Yes, while she's asleep and "eating" water, Bradshaw posts this, and she comes back to life to RT it:

Dont worry #TILAARMY! I got this under control! @TILAOMG just passed out in bed & I;m feeding her water. She's fast asleepnow so shes fine.
web • 10-08-07 12:19 AM
retweeted by @TilaOMG
10-08-07 12:19 AM

Fatty McFatterson said...

Thanks for all the nice comments *blush*

You know who I'd really like to hear from? beyondbettyjean. She's Tila's age. She seem very intelligent, articulate and compassionate, and I wonder what it is about Tila that attracts her. She sticks up for Tila and makes excuses for her like she's an 11 year old girl and not a peer. I wonder if beyondbettyjean had a real life friend like Tila, how she would react. Would she continue enabling her, or would she help her get the treatment she obviously needs.

Or it could be that Tila is the only 'celebrity' who beyondbettyjean has contact with and that intimacy forces her to shy away from going against her.

BBJ, if you were really concerned about Tila, on a human level, you'd try to help her, wouldn't you? If she was your sister, wouldn't you tell her that she's harming herself. Wouldn't you advise her to stop the shenanigans and play straight? Can't you see she's digging a deeper hole for herself and its her Army doing the shoveling? You guys blame the Jelis Haters, but we just report on the action. We're easy to blame because we seem to stand in judgement and mock her. Many didn't start out that way. Many were fans who were manipulated to the point of resentment and any compassion they may have had, was destroyed.

I've never cared for Tila. I'll be upfront about that. I watch every trash reality show I can get my hands on but midway through the first episode I got the creepy feeling that it was all just a big setup. I know most of those shows are contrived, but this seemed contrived in a different way, and it was creepy and off-putting. Until Casey's death, I maintained that degree of not caring for her. I didn't hate her or anything, I just saw her as an opportunist and didn't care to know her better. Now I flat out don't like her. I hate how she manipulates and lies and destroys lives. Yes, she literallly destroys lives and careers, so yeah, it's a big deal to me.

So, BBJ, if you're reading this, please feel free to tweet me, or follow me, so we can talk by DM. I won't be disrespectful to you, I just really want to understand your perspective.

Joann said...

This is the response I got today regarding the email I sent to the SBPD:

*
RE: Tila Tequila Blowing Through A Red Light In Your City Last Night.‏

8/06/10
Actions ▼

Santa Barbara Police Dept

*
cid:0
Santa Barbara Police Dept
NRIVAS@sbpd.com
*


To: Joann
From: Rivas, Noel (NRIVAS@sbpd.com)
Sent: Fri 8/06/10 9:47 PM
To: Joann

Thank you for your concern. Just prior to the video, our officers stopped her for a traffic violation and wrote her a citation for a moving violation. She was treated like anyone else. After receiving the citation, the officer directed her to leave. Thanks again, Sgt. Noel Rivas

Evidently they have a prepared response they send out. This does not address the email message I sent to them at all.

deluwiel said...

I wish she'd:
1. Completely implode and pull some monumentally stupid stunt and finally leave no doubt about what we already know her to be, or
2. Get the help she needs to clean up her act and realize some kind of legitimate success, or
3. Sink into a self-created vortex and disappear.

Just stop the stupidity. Stop the rambling incoherent quasi-philosophical blog entries, stop spinning ridiculous stories about the family, the upbringing, the relationships, the career, babies to which she has lost, etc., etc., etc., stop with the president of the exclusive TilaArmy club with the members to which there are who have to do whatever you say or they're kicked out (how old are you, anyway?!), stop with the desperate melodramatic attention grabbing pretend emergencies. Just. Stop.

jayden said...

Fatty, it's that sense of false intimacy that Tila creates with desperately lonely people who have little to no real and meaningful social interaction. OMG NOW THIS CELEBRITY KNOWS WHO I AM AND FOR REAL WOULD HANG OUT WITH ME IF ONLY I WERE IN HOLLYWOOD TOO!

Michael K of Dlisted.com posted a bunch of photos of the aging and saggy Angelyne yesterday. She's still dressing and acting the way she did in 1980. All I could think of when I saw the photos was "Tila Tequila, welcome to your future."

Anna said...

Joann, I wonder what would happen if your original email and the response you got was sent to their newspaper?

Seagal said...

That's the exact same email I received. They must have received a ton of omplaints for them to have a"prepared statement". Maybe enough omplaints might make them take a second look @ what happened. Nah, I doubt it.

Alabama Worley said...

I just want to say that beyondbettyjean is a efamous celeb atten whore. seriously. Did a lil' poking around and everyone I personally know (myspace fame) she's ALL over but not nearly as bad as Tila, because TIla (and someone I won't mention) are the only 2 she's ever met or tweet back at her.

I then realized. Holy FUCK I have met this girl at a little thing 2 years ago.

I don't recall much about her, I had to ask the person (the reason why she was there) about her. And there were weird ass gifts (although thoughtful) and some other stuff.

Seriously though, they are ALL like her. And sadly not the oldest. I met the most obsessed fan of *someone else* that was 48 with 3 kids. go figure.

Ben said...

I've always wondered why Tila Merch hasn't been coming out, I could start a Merch store tomorrow for her and be shipping orders by wed. She could make a decent chunk of change with that, so the delay is mind boggling.

BTW, anyone else find it funny that Beyondbettyjean was Tila's old band that her fan has adopted that name, but in abbreviated form BBJ actually means something for hookers? Just wondering if that's a coincidence or Tila was doing some early advertising.

starfish said...

omg Ben, bbj? thats such a coincedence, or subliminal fruedian slip?

alabama, what do you mean???

Alabama Worley said...

Ben seriously I like the bands name (shoot me) I doubt back then she knew BBJ was a phrase for hooking because in the mid 90's it wasn't. It wasn't till the internet came around.

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