Friday, July 30

postheadericon The Tale of the Tila Tree

First of all it's good, no fantastic to be here at the Rotspot! After all those meetings on the "casting couch," with the Rotspot writers, I was given a golden ticket. Thank you! Once I buttoned my shirt back up and chased away the smell of sex and shame with some Jean Nate body mist, I packed my typewriter and hazmat suit and set out on a journey to find the real Tila.

Look if they can start selling Christmas decorations in July then by golly I can draw upon this most joyous of seasons to begin my tale of Tila.

Last night in a flurry of activity on the hogul's twitter and blog, similar to the trots, Tila grew tired of wandering around her condomansion, pulling at her hair, scratching at the invisible bugs under her skin, adjusting her moldy thong, and she decided to share her sexy with the world. Again. Well mostly just the people who care about her. I mean mostly those that are on twitter who care. I mean just those that don't laugh at her. Mostly just the kids who think talking to a star who talks back to you is some great shit. Mostly just 13 kids.

Anywho, Tila in her quest to engorge her "lady gardens" (thank you Daily Sport epically important interview) with the attention that she needs to stay alive, decided to post
early modeling pictures for her mostly under-aged fan base. Well just a picture of her leaning against a wall and then one of her pushing her tits together. Well, really just a picture of her sticking her oiled ass up while tip-toed in hooker heels, and the one where she pushed her tits together and dared the camera to come closer with her goblin eyes.

Tila dug around her condomansion last night. Glass pipes and Red Bull cans were flung about in her tornadic search for the Holy Grail of hodom, several hard drives full of her nakedness. Once she put up the solar array and sequenced the hard drives with the Russian satellite she sucks antenna for in turn for a signal, she offered these most unclean images to her fans. Well to kids.

What incredible choices. I almost feel like I'm at the Furrs in hell. Now comes the tree bit. Much like Charlie Brown's Christmas tree, the hogul is an overlooked and pathetic thing. Not too many folks want to hang around her, shower her with presents, or make her the center of attention. Charlie Brown took it upon himself to make the lonely little tree the most special Christmas tree of all, and Tila has no Charlie Brown (though 9 head Bradshaw would make a great Charlie) to make her feel special and loved.

So she makes herself special and loved by forcing her sexuality onto the plates of her many followers. Lots of fans. Several kids.

Tila "I can't scratch my crabs hard enough" Tequila decided that pictures weren't enough; she needed more of her sexy out there to get her drained nether regions excited again. Also she needed the attention so that her heart that was five sizes too small would begin to beat and swell, and grow because of the because she's a succubus like that. And also because Tila really wants to tempt young people to be sexual with her and to be sexualized by her. More on that in another blog. First here's the enticing description of her video:

Hogul uploaded the "naughty" video shoot that contained among other things:
  • Pulling down her bikini bottoms because her demon snatch needed to breathe
  • Shoving her hand down into her undies to close the gateway to hell
  • Sucking on her fingers like she had just eaten some Doritos
  • Rubbing her crotch so the genie would come out and grant her three wishes
I have done my duty for my fellow Rotspotter's by sitting through this "modeling shoot," to bring you what I felt was the very best. Tonight I shall not sleep.

As you can see these totally were the best parts of the video. I took some roofies just so I could forget the rest. Isn't it wonderful when a full grown woman is so goddamn out of her mind that she feels compelled to put her tits and ass all over the places were she compliments, teases, recruits, and then exposes under-aged children to her lonely vies for attention? Somebody please make this offender stay at least 500 feet away from school zones.

I see now that Tila "Valtrex Prescription for Life" Tequila doesn't have anything but the glow of her laptop, the warmth of the computer on her legs, and the quiet of her condomansion with the crunchy dog piss stained carpet, and the never ending confusion of the glamor room sinks.

Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was never a predator, but that one up there is. Charlie Brown's Christmas tree became a beloved symbol of the triumph of the living over the fake. When Lucy picked up that big silver aluminum tree, Charlie chose the small, living one.

Up there trying her best to be something is a big 'ol fake aluminum Christmas tree. She can't be real with herself, she can't be real with other people, and she gets pleasure from being just a decoration.

I can see her now. She wipes the Doritos crumbs off her chest while eating in bed. She shakes away the carpal tunnel pain in her wrists from googling herself; her head dips down after lighting the pipe and she falls asleep between the bed and the wall, while far away at another computer a child reacts to Tila's video and pictures. And tomorrow that child will draw a picture of Tila with hearts and be the happiest they've been in a long, long, time when they get that tweet from the shark up there, to let them know they have been allowed into her army.


hurrdurrrrrr said...

Haha, great article. Good to see you on board as a writer. I love your writing style. Also, the first picture of her makes her look like a bigger fucking tranny than usual. I just don't understand her appeal. She has a disgusting face, body, personality, she's the only person, aside from another unmentionable whore, who takes the term "butter face" across several different dimensions.

The picture of her with her finger in her mouth really does look like she's searching for mouth fungus or trying to clear the dried up semen from between her teeth. As for the last image, let the nightmares begin.

Awesome post, can't wait to see more from you. ;)

SammiDe said...

☻ Welcome to the RotSpot Apocryphal! ☺ I guess I'll be the first to say good post hun!! Thanks for investigating it all! ☻

Sandra said...

Yippee, hip hip hooray, woo-hoo you guys are back, I missed you all so much! Aaaah I was even thinking of actually joining Twitter so I could tweet you all and tell you how much I missed you guys! I love love love this site!

Anyway to this post on Tila, I watched the video and afterwards I had a cry in the shower while scrubbing myself clean from watching that dirty skank! In the comments section, 3 of her failarmy say that they lost respect for her from watching that vid! Even one of her really loyal members said Tila shouldn't have put that up, she said it was not classy and people don't want to watch her masturbate! And that's only from the comments she didn't delete! Ha ha ha she really shot herself in the foot for posting it! See she has always been a whore, some people are born to be stars, some are born to be leaders, she was born to be a whore!

Anyway glad you are back, you guys rock! Oh and welcome Apocryphal You and Seola! P.s, I so, like totally, like *twirls hair*, like totally have a crush on Eduardo, xxx

Tuesday said...

Very awesome! Love it.

FUYU said...

OMFG I just barfed all my insides out. Thank you.

I don't care how old those pics are... W.T.F!!!!!!!!!!!

Nightingale said...

i am going to lol forever

Nothing much to see said...

That made me HOWL with laugh.

Just the vision of her between that wall and the bed has made my Sunday.


Manda said...

Ever since she did the whole “army role call” thing I am grossed out by her uploading her slutty pictures. At least before she could at least claim to be naive about have underage fans but now she knows they are there, how many there are AND their ages. If this was a man posting naked photos of himself and talking about sexual adventures for 13 year old fans, people would be shitting bricks. This is typical behaviour of an adult EXPLOITING children and the authorities are just turning a blind eye. ARG!
- Mandy

Cathy said...

So happy you have returned! I was having with drawls. I was going to have to call Dr Drew.... Dont Ever LEAVE US AGAIN!!! Welcome to the new writers you have made my morning. Ahhh back to my tea and loling!!! ROTSPOT RULES (in my best 1990's voice) Missed u

Seagal said...

Well well Seems MissTila had to fire "another" employee for inapprorpiate blogging and sexual harrassment. LMAO Yea, I believe that. NOT!!

SammiDe said...

Check this video out -- TILA TEQUILA'S MESSAGE TO HATERS

Here is where she is going ON AND ON about HOW HER FANS ARE LITTLE KIDS MAN THEY'RE LITTLE KIDS!!!!!! OVER AND OVER!! WOW!!! She is a pedophile sick prostitute to a T! Famous my fucking ass!!!!!!

There was an error in this gadget