Thursday, September 2

postheadericon Tila--Warrior Princess or Dumbass Skank?

Ya know, there's nothing that warms my pudgy little heart more than a Dear by Tila. The dumb-fuckery is always good for a laugh, and I look like a mental giant in comparison. It's a win-win.

By far, my most favoritest Dear Diary was the compelling, tragic, and yet uplifting tale of her family's escape from Viet Nam with Tila in utero, 6 years before she was born. This classic quote still makes me giggle hysterically:

It was about the year of late 1070's...
So, you can imagine my delight when this little gem was posted a couple days ago:

Unfortunately, there's really nothing to add, that makes this more amusing. It's one of those posts that totally speaks for itself, and I simply can't do it the justice it deserves by commenting on it. But, I'll try. I love to tear this shit apart, so I hope y'all will join me:

there was a Warrior. This warrior had no name
Fair enough, this is the kind of treatment you often find in legends and fables.

I came to find out later on, that this Warrior’s name, was Lun-Ti
But if he was a warrior without a name, how did he have a name?

Tila's story seems pretty generic for a warrior. I mean, all warriors battle for their people and have the wounds and the scars to show for it, and many die for the honor of the battle. I thought to ask Mr. Google if there had ever been a warrior, living or legend, who was nameless but named Lun-Ti. Mr. Google immediately slapped me. I mean, I ask him these questions, but it's like he can smell a Tila tale a mile away. I am told by Mr. Google, that the closest he can find in name is the Yellow Emperor, Huang Ti.  Mr. Google was unable to tell me if he was dressed in black with his long hair tied back atop his head, but he did assure me, there are no records of a Lun-Ti.

But that's not where the lol's really begin. You have to start reading the 3rd paragraph where she describes herself as a little girl, nicknamed Ti-Lun and (cue the violin music)
she used to play dress up and play with brooms and hangers or sticks
I thought Tila was so busy folding pants at the flea market she didn't have time to play? Of course, Tila is now setting the stage for the 'oh poor little Tila' sighs coming from her Army of morons. Little does she know that many children in this country have no 'real' toys and they have a blast making up games and toys from their own imaginations. Ever hear of 'kick the can' or 'stick ball'? It's not like poor kids went out and bought a special can or a special stick for these games.

Let's back up and talk about the nickname Ti-Lun. According to Mr. Google, Ti-Lun is the shortened form of the title of a Buddhist scripture. Tila's family is Buddhist (or so she claims), but I wonder why they would nickname her after the scripture. I did see one girl on Myspace goes by the name Ti Lun, and then has the nickname 'Shorty' so perhaps Tila speaks the truth (for once!), but it still seems odd her parents would give her a name that is essentially the name of their holy book.

Tila then writes about how she danced for her mother, as a little Samurai. Odd that a little Vietnamese girl who grew up in Houston would know of Japanese military nobility. Tila's mother assures Tila she once was a warrior in a past life and, get ready for it!

Her Mother knew that her daughter would grow up to be something quite special.

Tila, your mom didn't mean 'special' in the Mozart-composing-symphonies-at-age-5 way.  She meant 'special' in the we-better-teach-her-to-count-exact-change-for-the-bus-because-she'll-never-develop-past-that-stage way. You see Tila, your dear mother is a very wise woman. She knew you'd never amount to much. She, of course, like most mothers, hoped at the very least you'd find an attendant to care for your basic needs and you'd honor the family name. Little did she know, your attendant would end up being a man who could easily stand at the corner of Hollywood and Vine and get paid for the advertising printed across his forehead, and you'd sully their good name and bring sadness into their home by rolling around on the red carpet in bird feathers and belts with your diseased vertical smile, displaying all that should be sacred, but which has been viewed more often that the Mona Lisa's own smile.

Tila then relates the story of how as a 2-year old she had a seizure, ended up in the hospital overnight. Here's how she describes herself:
A fragile, petite...
If you look back at the Juggalo posts, that's pretty much how she describes herself there as well. As a matter of fact, whenever Tila is looking for sympathy, she pulls out that same old 'fragile, petite' ploy. 

Anyway, while in the hospital she received a shot and this incredible warrior child not only didn't cry, but she 'burst out into a cute little laugh'. Oh fucking please. My kids had plenty of shots. About half the time they cried, the other half they were totally unphased. Ask anyone who works with, or parents children: it's not unheard of for little ones to shrug off a shot we all think will reduce them to tears. 

So, while Tila is lighting up the room, this 2-year old remembers the nurses commenting to her mother:

Ti-Lun could remember hearing the Nurse tell her Mother what a great daughter she has and how brave she is.

Ummm. Yeah. I believe that. We all know that children have amazing memories and can dig deep to age 2 to remember verbatim what a nurse said to their mother. Most of us have a few memories of age 3 and 4, and as we get older and our brains process information in more organized patterns, thus we have more substantial memories after age 4-6. Very very few children would have memories at age 2, and likely those memories would be a fleeting few seconds of an event, most likely traumatic, and certainly not linearly organized. Did Tila have a seizure and end up in the hospital at age 2? Sure. Did she remember the events as she described, or did someone relate them to her? You be the judge. It's really not that important, but I hate how's she's trying to boast this imagine of the super-child upon us.

Also, I think every time I've ever had my kids into the doctor, a doctor or nurse commented how 'brave' they were. They do that for the benefit of the child, not because they're imparting wisdom and awe at how truly brave the child is. It's a fucking little needle, not having your arm meet chopped up in a demented tantrum all alone in your hovel of a condomansionium. Jeez, get some fucking perspective.

Here's how Tila ends the fairy tale:
Fast forward many, many, many years, Ti-Lun, started getting her own battle wounds…. just like the Warrior: Lun-Ti. These battle wounds tell so many stories behind them. To honor the wounds, as they all tell a story, each and every single one of them. And then one day, something miraculous happened…………

To Be Continued……..

Love how she leaves us hanging, just as she left us hanging for the rest of the great Viet Nam exodus. What miracle happened? You met Steve Hirsch and sold your soul for a few hundred grand, by performing sexual acts for pay? You humiliated your family and brought shame to their name by lying and general douche-baggery? You 'performed' in front of a group of crazed, drunken clowns and was pelted by bottles of cheap soda pop?

And those battle wounds and scars? Does it count if you inflict them upon yourself as in Arm Meet-Gate, or that you mock and challenge said angry clowns and then accentuate the wounds to curry attention?

You know what I find most interesting? The timing of these Dear Diary stories. You see the epic bio was written a week or so after Arm Meet-gate and the subsequent 5150 when Tila was trying to reconnect with her dwindling army after her SUICIDE HOAX was revealed. This latest story comes a couple days after her lie about attending the Emmy's was proven, and a few days before she's set to perform at a Las Vegas strip club. A strip club, I might add, she's not promoting at all on her flog. Perhaps she can't bear the Army's response. Of course, we all know they'll forgive her. They'll say we're all jelis haters who wish we had the fragile, delicate body Tila has so we could lather up the stripper pole with sewer slime.

Tila tries so hard to prove to her Army that she's special, that she's a hero, that she's some super-woman who has been graced upon our land. She's not. She sold her soul long ago, and now she reaps what she sowed. All the money in the world can't buy her hero-status. All the Lambos and name-dropping can't buy her true friends. All the lies can't buy her a life she can be proud of. If she's a warrior fighting a battle, it's a battle of the weak and the infirm, and she'll never ever win it..battle scars be damned.


Anonymous said...

I vote dumb ass skank.

Anonymous said...

Man, show Lun Ti some respect! Homie swung swords thirty feet from the sun and didn't melt! On top of that, he died in some unspecified manner but his heroic death somehow saved the entire village! We should be erecting statues in his honor! #luntiarmy

tui said...

I don't believe for a second that TT wrote that "dear diary" blather.

Her spelling and grammar just ain't up to it. Maybe it was her sister, maybe billboard heard, or one of her countless other 'staff members' ie Gary, but it definitely wasn't the skank this time.

Someone's covering for her while she's MIA. Breakdown anyone?

John said...

Nice one Fatty! Dead on as usual.

"Everyday at dawn you could see him fighting atop the desert" A Samurai in a desert??!! No wonder he had "thick, leathery-like skin".

My favourite however:

"Once upon a time, there was a girl who was born on October 24th, 1981". Once upon a time? YET SO SPECIFIC!

tina.yener said...

angela said...

With all the drugs she takes, I'm suprised she even remembers her own name.

Isis said...

Aww I remember all the 2 year old memories of which I have. Not.

Jubilee said...

YES FATTY!!!!!! I'm so glad you posted on this, it is, by far, the funniest thing she's done in a long time. You ladies are all legends

Joann said...

Thanks Fatty for breaking down that ridiculous story. I skimmed through it the first time I saw it on her piece of crap blog but I see I missed a lot of lol's after thoroughly reading it here.

You're right Fatty, when she has failed at something and all the world is laughing at her, Tila comes up with these stupid Dear Diary stories to makes herself look like Wonder Woman/Child(in her eyes only)which makes her feel better about the image she wants to project to that nitwit army of hers.

To replace reality with fiction about your personal life AND TO PUT IT ON THE INTERNET really shows how sick Tila is.

I guess Tila wants her nitwit army to believe she is the reincarnation of this Lun-Ti. The story is ludicrous enough but she has no creativity to come up with a decent name for herself so she reversed Lun-Ti and called herself Ti-Lun......SMH.

Joann said...

Sorry, I forgot to answer your question Fatty. DUMBASS SKANK hands down.

Sue Ellen Mishkey said...

Personally, I loved the part where little Ti-Lun puts on her mother's ricing hat... because the rice fields of Austin totally need to be tilled. What a maroon.

Misty said...

Vote: Dumbass skank

Eduardo Retardo said...

Oh god, Fatty, thank you so much for doing this. Every time I tried to write this shit up my brain would scream "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT...WHAT THE...AM I...WHAT...*gurgle gurgle gurgle*."

Shin said...

everytime i think
"ah she cant make me feel more ashamed to be half vietnamese" she goes with shit like
"Ti-Lun would dress in all white, and wear her Mother’s Vietnamese Rice Picking Hat.." like wtf..i hate it when she trys to play the
"im the poor little asian girl" card..

Obvious Troll said...

I once saw a nameless warrior, Lun-Ti was her name. She stood far above the land of a thousand drunks dressed as clowns with no name. It was called Lo-Jug. 30 feet from the crowd, she practiced her striptease, valiantly attacking many a turd with her mighty forehead. Like any true warrior, Lun-Ti cried and wore a band-aid on a boo-boo that healed in a day for the rest of her life. Though the cowardly ninja clan Rat-zi-Pap ran from her, they could not escape. She jumped screaming in front of them day after day, photobombing real celebrities.

To be never mentioned again and denied in a few weeks...

SammiDe said...

Wow, Fatty girl you got skillz!! ☻

Joanne said...

I am a huge fan of this blog! I have never commented before, but I just wanted to let you know that Ti-Lun could actually (for once) be a likely nickname for her as it does mean 'Shorty' in Vietnamese. While Google may bring up some of the Buddhist relations, the accent is quite different and the nickname 'Ti-Lun' is actually quite probable. Not that I am defending Tila, but for once, she may be telling the truth about something.