So tonight Tila tweeted and updated her Facebook, saying she was writing an "epic letter" to Lindsay Lohan.


Okay Tila, I'll bite.  I'm sure this isn't just another desperate clutch at fame and anybody more famous than you.  I mean, you've never done that before, right?

*CoughcoughCaseyJohnsoncoughcough*
*CoughcoughPerezHiltoncoughcough*
*CoughcoughTheGamecoughcough*
*CoughcoughRayJcoughcough*
*CoughcoughAMILLIONOTHERPEOPLEcoughcough*

Oh, excuse me, I had a little coughing fit there.  Ahem, where was I?  Oh yeah.  I'm sure Tila really means this!  Lindsay, Tila is your only hope!  She's totally what you need to restart your career!  Align yourself with what TMZ calls a "tragic trainwreck" and who Time Magazine named one of the 100 Least Influential People of 2010!  Yes, Lilo, Tila is the savior you've been waiting for!

Hey guys, remember not too long ago when E! made the comment about Tila and Lindsay getting together, and Tila thought it was serious and ran with it on twitter?  Making a total ass of herself?

Wow, can you say DELUSIONAL?  Come on, I know that you can.  So I dunno guys, do you think the super helpful open letter Tila is writing is like those tweets?  Or do you think it's like these tweets, taken from over a year ago?


Just sayin'.  (By the way, isn't it funny that Tila's answer is basically just like The Game's response to Tila?)

Tila, stop trying to get Lindsay Lohan's attention.  It just looks pathetic now and nobody in their right mind would take advice from you, unless it was on which corner drug dealer sells the best crack in Hollywood (that would be Hollywood Court on Yucca and Wilton...I mean NO I DON'T KNOW THAT, you bitches crazy), or how to completely ruin your career and become a Hollywood pariah.  Then, Tila, your advice would come in handy.  Just shut the fuck up and go back to bragging about your gossip blog that is going to dethrone Perez Hilton and change the world as we know it.  You know, the one that leaked the other day and everybody laughed at.  The one that is the biggest waste of time and energy since...oh, I dunno, your record label?

Lindsay, you got enough crazy in your life right now.  And Tila "I'm a meth-mouthed fuck-up" Tequila is not even qualified to judge you.  Once you start faking pregnancies for the publicity, then you might condescend to look her way.

I'm out, bitches!

Even Superwhoresheroes need their rest!

So I wake up this morning and the Resistance is abuzz with the news that Tila's gossip blog leaked. And, as we already figured, it sucks. No, really, it REALLY REALLY REALLY sucks. It's boring, it's dry, it's petty and it's stupid.

Go here to see what Spiked Tequila already said about it.

Or go here and see what our darling reader Steven Clarke had to say about it in the comments. Thank you much, Steven Clarke!

Look, it's crap. I mean, there's nothing more I can say about it. It's fucking horrible, it really is. In fact, here's a list of words that sum up Tila's gossip blog, courtesy of Thesaurus.com:

Abominable, amiss, atrocious, awful, bad news, beastly, blah, bottom out, bummer, careless, cheap, cheesy, crappy, cruddy, crummy, defective, deficient, diddly, dissatisfactory, downer, dreadful, erroneous, fallacious, faulty, garbage, godawful, grody, gross, grungy, icky, imperfect, inadequate, incorrect, inferior, junky, lousy, not good, off, poor, raunchy, rough, sad, slipshod, stinking, substandard, synthetic, the pits, unacceptable, unsatisfactory.

It's also embarrassing. Really, really embarrassing. I'm going to drive all the way to LA just to high five Perez Hilton.

So as you guys know by now, our favorite Meth-Mouthed Midget Mogul moved from her old "mansion" into her new "mansion" a few months ago, and recently the address of said "mansion" was leaked on the internets. Oh, you crazy internets and the wonders you behold. And, as we all previously knew, it's the swankiest mansion in all of Hollywood!

Oh wait, it's not? It's just an apartment complex?


Oh. Damn. I believed Tila this time! Okay real talk, no I didn't. Nobody did. Because we all saw the pictures she posted and we aren't idiots. I mean really, is anybody surprised at this revelation? I'm more surprised that Tila was dumb enough to have her actual name on her bills, which is supposedly how somebody found her. And I love that Mr. Forehead himself (Bradshaw for those of you who haven't been introduced to his massive dome yet) was dumb enough to have geo tracking on his tweets. Nice job, you fabulous trendsetter, you!

Okay so what do we know about Tila's apartmansion? Well a simple google search of the address (which Uncle Eddie is not going to post here. It's not hard to find and if any of the other FINE ladies of the Rotspot want to update this post and put it up, go right ahead. After you send Uncle Eddie pictures of your boobs, that is. Yes, again. Uncle Eddie needs fresh pics!) reveals something hilarious:


 I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Uncle Eddie doesn't exactly trust this report. It's funny and all, and maybe I'm just a big fat pessimist...

Oh fuck it, let's laugh that Tila's apartmansion has bed bugs!

So why did she move? Well, it's taken us a long time to find out why. There's been tons of speculation. Was she evicted? Was it really filled with too many memories of her cash cow Casey?

NEITHER!

Here it is, exactly WHY Tila moved!


 OMG Tila, I have an open mind! Tell me more!


...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Jesus fucking Christ.

Okay let's be serious here. Which is scarier, bed bugs or aliens? That's a tough one. I mean, choosing between little bugs that nibble on you while you're sleeping and an OBVIOUSLY CRAZY DRUG PSYCHOSIS. That's a tough one. Tila, which one do you think is scarier?


No doubt.

...news boys and girls.  You remember when Tila was called a porn star on one of her interviews when she was in New York?  I do because I giggle snorted whenever they said that.  And PBR doesn't feel good comin' out your nose!

Bugsy also elaborated to the fact that USUALLY the guest show girls at the Crazy Horse are porn stars.

I mean, we've called her a whore all along and got called "jelluz h8r beetchez" for it so I'm just going to *point and laugh* now!

Shit, why didn't you guys remind me it was Wednesday? Well it's still Wednesday here on the west coast, so it counts! Here's your new Stuporgirl!


LOL I got a shout out in this week's comic! OMG I must be famous! Now I need a stylist. Someone who's handy with a bedazzler. Somebody with a gigantic forehead and killer sharpie eyebrows.

Enjoy, bitches!


NOTE FROM GNOME: Bradshaw is seriously the John Wayne of Fagdom peeps....approach him with caution. I hear he's deadly with that bedazzling weapon, and likes to drink fruity cocktails. You too could be the next target for his rhinestone obsession. Just sayin.... ;)

Yes, Tila wants you to believe that she lives the life of a mogul. I don't know which mogul exactly, because she does shit like this:



 And of course

Ugh, sick. I don't know about you guys, but that fucking hotdog picture is now my favorite picture of Tila EVER, even though it makes Uncle Eddie's gigantic phallus shrivel up and die. Hey, if The Gnome can have a giant cock, so can I!

Anyway, since her "Party with my Syphilis" tour is now over, we see what the daily life of a mogul...no, fuck that, HOGUL...is really like.

Spiked Tequila gave us a great write-up of Tila trying to get attention from Perez Hilton today, during his twitter feud with Mr. Flesh Colored Beard himself, Spencer Pratt. You can read it here. In short, Tila can't stand that Perez won't give her the time of day, even though she tries so hard to get his attention. Personally I love it. She tries so hard, look:


LOL. I hate to break it to you sweets, but he's not going to respond. He couldn't give less of a fuck about you because you are nothing. You are shit to him. He's not afraid of you, HE JUST DOESN'T GIVE A FUX. LOL see what I did there? Also, the media outlets are saying that about your blog dethroning his because THEY'RE QUOTING YOUR FUCKING DUMB ASS IN THE INTERVIEW YOU GAVE. Jesus fucking Christ Tila, you can't possibly be this stupid, can you?

And just for kicks, let's look at a recent picture of Perez.


Why the fuck does she still call him Piggy Perez? He's obviously lost a lot of weight and looks fucking awesome. Look at him, Tila, you gonna say he's copying your "trademark" blowing a kiss pose? Ooh and he's with Lindsay Lohan - she went to his birthday party! Did she ever go to yours? No? But you tweet her so often! Just because she NEVER EVER responds...I mean...I thought you guys were friends! (LOL no I didn't. You're fucking pathetic, Tila.)

So anyway, a little later Tila can't get off this Perez kick she's on. She tells her Tila Army to vote in this poll:


And you can see her Army runs to it in DROVES. FUCKING DROVES I TELL YOU.

Wanna see how it turned out?


Note: you can STILL go vote on this poll. But oh, poor Tila. Even your army couldn't help you win this one.

And then, my personal favorite, she starts telling us all about Alexa searches.


I did one of my own - I compared Tila's new yet-to-be-launched gossip blog to Perezhilton.com. Here's what I got:


LOL you can hardly even see Tila's gossip blog WAY down there at the bottom! The stats on the right, like where it says "up 70%" are the stats for Tila's gossip blog. Yes, in the past month, when you've been out spouting your meth-crazy word vomit all over the place, the hits for your blog have gone up 70%. Too bad they're going and seeing that it's not launched yet. But you still see how the numbers are REALLY REALLY LOW? Does that show you how successful your PR pantyshot tour was?

And you better believe if the gossip blog actually ever launches we'll be keeping an eye on it, just to see if you ever really do beat Perez. (Hint: DOUBTFUL)

And thus, kiddies, is the real life day of a hogul. Everybody golf clap for Tila!

... thanks for not being a pussy and allowing me to put your identity up.  I'm so glad someone else has some fuckin' balls.  Man, I'm so sick of all of the pansies floating around on twitter with all of the "top secret" bullshit.  So kudos to you my friend, I think you're quite swell.

TRS, what in the hell are you talkin' about?  Ladies and gents, do you remember Tila's classy live performance in NYC last weekend?  If not, here's a little replay!

God, you guys! You ruined the surprise! We've been working on the PR.com interview since yesterday but NOOOOO you guys had to leave it in the comments and ruin it for everybody! GEEZ!

Just playin' y'all. You know we love you! But you gotta trust us that we're on top of this shit. Who run this motherfucker? That's right, Rotspot. Now sit on Uncle Eddie's lap and listen to a story about a little delusional blond gnome.

A long, long time ago, in a forest far, far away...










I took it upon myself to underline all the parts that made me LOL. But let's discuss it a little bit, shall we?

So the first thing I underlined is that it calls her a Vietnamese immigrant. I'm sorry, but don't you actually have to immigrate from Vietnam to be called a Vietnamese immigrant? Say, like, your parents immigrate from Vietnam before you're born and you're born in Singapore, does that really make you a Vietnamese immigrant? *Credit goes to STFUtilaOMG for pointing this out to me!* Example:


Yes, I know, Wikipedia isn't the most TRUSTED of sources. But go ahead, look for yourself. See if you can find any different information. I couldn't. I did find this though, and it made me lol for hours:


.....Anyway! Let's continue with Tila's PR.com interview.

She talks a lot about her new gossip blog, which begs the question WHAT NEW GOSSIP BLOG? I don't see one, do you? Why is she doing all this press for something she couldn't get released on time and STILL isn't up? Kind of reminds me when she did all that press for being pregnant, and we know where that turned up...

"I'm so smart that I think I'm an alien sometimes."

 LOL just sayin'. Anyway, lots of us think you're an alien sometimes too, Tila,but that doesn't have to do with how smart you are. It has to do with the shape of your head. See?

Okay moving on. Blah blah blah, Ambassador. Ugh, I'm so sick of this one. Seriously Tila, there are so many nude pictures and fucking softcore porn videos of you out there that you will NEVER EVER EVER BECOME AN AMBASSADOR. Go here to see what it takes to become an ambassador.

Also, she's so humble, isn't she? Talking about how her video got deleted off of Facebook because girls are jealous, and how she's so pretty and smart AND INTELLIGENT all at the same time! How exactly is one smart AND intelligent at the same time? Nice.

So then we get to the video of her shoplifting from CVS. I don't know if Allison Kugel is retarded or just playing into Tila's ego, but nobody on earth took that shit seriously. Tila is a horrible actress and should stick to Skinemax if she ever tries acting seriously. (Yes I know she had a 2 minute scene in 'Chuck and Larry' where she plays a fucking Hooters girl, I'm talking SERIOUS acting, and you know it's only a matter of time until she tries that shit again.) Click here if you haven't seen the CVS video and want a good laugh.
I lolled extra hard when she talks about how sweet she is with people, and in relationships. I mean, really Tila? Are you sure about that?


Oh shit, my bad y'all. Tila is sweet as fucking pie. I just forgot.

Okay, you guys see where she says "I know I will dethrone his site in less than a month?" Okay, keep that in mind. Don't think we won't be checking stats.

Oh, here we go. The crotch shots. Really Tila? There's never been a picture like that of you? I want you guys to go to the Hotspot. I know, you shouldn't because she gets paid when you go. But I want you to see how sneaky Tila is. When she gave this interview she (or her people, who knows) deleted the crotch shot pictures from her Paparazzi photo album. I'll make it easy for you. Here's her photo page. Click on Paparazzi. Notice a certain one is missing? Gosh, Tila, you're too smart for us. You really must be 10 steps ahead! Because nobody was quick enough to save those before you deleted them!

Oh shit, wait.


I love how she labels them "crotch shot" just to make it easier for us. Tila, this makes you look bad, as usual, but this makes Allison Kugel look REALLY BAD. LOL. Good. That's what you get for being a hack journalist, Allison.

Moving on, isn't Blue Dress on her new album? Is she saying she wrote that AGAIN? Lord have mercy. I...I can't even be bothered. You all know it's a Depeche Mode song. I can't do it.

LOL she gets to the Tila Tequila name again. This time she gives both lies, that she got it in 8th grade and that it was just a screen name. Ugh, so here, I can't be bothered to out this shit again. Just read what I said the first time.

I can't believe she combined the two. And poor Carlos gets left out in the cold AGAIN.

Oh, and I feel like we need to make this clear. Tila? We are most certainly laughing at you. Don't believe me?


How was that? Got it now? Okay good, let's move on.

Ugh, really I'm so bored with this slut by now. Aren't you? I mean, it's the same old bullshit over and over and over. "I'm adopting, I was pregnant, I fucked a DJ" OVER AND OVER AND OVER. Goddammit Tila, you're boring me!

Just for funsies, I included Allison's info, in case any of you want to drop her a line and tell her she's a fucking sham. I already did. Hell, link her here. Tell her to stop being a fucking pussy and get the real story. DO SOME FUCKING RESEARCH, ALLISON, AND MAYBE YOU'D RETAIN SOME FUCKING CREDIBILITY. Just sayin'.

Later, asswads, I'm out!

This is a good one for LOL's. VLADtv captured the things that we love to laugh about. Have you noticed that every single interview she's done is basically the same mother fuckin' thing? "Bla bla bla", "Snap", "This and That", "Smack", "Hogul Laugh", rinse and repeat. She smacks her lips a lot in this. Ah, the remnants of powder in your nose/throat and the drainage...YUM TILA!

So, Miss Tila (or Lil' Ho as she's being called) was on Fox 411 the other day as part of her "Party with my Syphilis" tour in NY. Here's the video:


Let's break it down! This'll be fun, guys!

Quickly I'd like to mention that she's sooo spontaneous that all of her random tattoos look like prison bitch ink. So classy for such a rich woman indeeeeed!!!

Tila...you're really telling us that "Tila Tequila" was just a screen name you used to log into myspace? REALLY? I mean, you've already bastardized that story a billion times, and now it's JUST A SCREEN NAME? You know, I'm probably being too hard on you. All those drugs probably made you forget what you've previously told your fans whom you love so much. Let's look at this old blog from right here at the Rotspot. Whoever wrote it is obviously brilliant and sexy, but I digress. See that screen cap we show? This one:


See where it says "PS-That is how I got the name "TILA TEQUILA" When I was about 13 or 15 BLAH BLAH BLAH?" Yeah, you see that? What about that, Tila?

OR

What about this, Tila, from one of your blogs at the Hotspot?


Man, poor Carlos! You lied about him! I bet that hurts his little Mexican gangbanger feelings!

And just for funsies, let's listen to what Tila told Howard Stern the other day regarding the name Tila Tequila:



Jesus Christ, Tila. Is it really that hard to come up with a cogent lie and stick with it? Oh shit, wait, I forgot who I was talking to. LOL I said "cogent" while talking to Tila. MY BAD, MISS TILA.

Anyway, let's move on. So she tells this woman from FOX (I'm sorry, I really hate Fox, so I can't be bothered to learn this woman's name) that she doesn't drink Tequila. We've all heard the "I don't drink!" lie before, and we've all disproved it about a billion and a half times. I almost hate to call her a liar on it again.


ALMOST, BITCHES.

This woman from FOX asks "Does Perez know you're coming after him?" I hate to tell you how to do your job, FOX lady (not to be confused with Foxy Lady), but the correct question is "Does Perez GIVE A FLYING FUCK that you're coming after him?" And the answer is a resounding NO.

Next, somebody needs to tell Tila that her life isn't interesting, these lies she tells are interesting. Without those, she's just a sad little girl smoking meth in front of her computer and recording heinous songs using Garage Band while her dog is tied to a stripper pole for eating one of her lucite hooker heels, and her latched-on gay boyfriend with the GIGANTIC forehead and terrifying boomerang brows tells her how pretty she is.

So then she says she doesn't want to talk about the death of Casey because she finds it disrespectful. "Not even how you're coping?" Fox lady asks. Nope, not even then, because Miss Tila finds it disrespectful. Hey Tila, wanna know what I find disrespectful?


THAT is what I find fucking disrespectful. Every time you've mentioned Ava, Casey's daughter, and trying to adopt her (you can find that here amongst other places) it was fucking disrespectful. When you went after the Johnson family after Casey's death:


THAT WAS DISRESPECTFUL. But asking how you're coping? It's stupid, yes, but it's not disrespectful. HER CASH COW IS DEAD, HOW DO YOU THINK SHE'S COPING???? By the way...

CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE INFORM TILA THAT CASEY WAS NOT HER WIFE? In fact, I bet had Casey not died, she would have distanced herself as much as she could from Tila at this point. Everybody does eventually, don't they?

And then, as she always does, Tila brings up the pregnancy. The way she does it is so absolutely fake, it actually makes me laugh. Anybody ever notice that Tila is only good at lying behind a computer screen, not really in person? Stick to your strengths, Tila. Watch her eyes as she's telling Fox lady she was pregnant. No eye contact WHAT SO EVER. And she barely gets through that Angelina Jolie thing. It takes more energy to lie than Tila is willing to expend.

So here's what I don't understand. Why FOX news? Isn't FOX news the most right wing, pro-Prop 8 news agency out there? Way to have principles, Tila.